Need a Laugh???? Email I got....

By: GAGirl Mood: Excited Date: 06/12/2008 12:07:02 Music: None

You guys have to read this in its entirety. If you can read this wholestory without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by theend.Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the firsttwo judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those ofyou who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actuallyhave a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes upa major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3was an inexperienced Chili taster named Matt, who was visiting fromSpringfield, IL.

Matt: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilicook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and Ihappened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directionsto the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by theother two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all thatspicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during thetasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Matt) -- OH ****, what the heck is this stuff? You couldremove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put theflames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge #1 -- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be takenseriously.

Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure whatI'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people whowanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beerwhen they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.

Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great! kick.

Judge #2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feelslike I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Getme more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now mybackbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced fromall of the beer.

CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish orother mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unableto taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman isstarting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Ischili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, addingconsiderable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admitthe cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and Ican no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me neededparamedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that herchili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding bypouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning mylips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stopscreaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...!

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance ofspices and peppers.

Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers! , onions andgarlic. Superb.

Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. I ??? on myself when I farted and I'm worried it willeat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me exceptthat Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with asnow cone.

CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worriedabout Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursinguncontrollably.

Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world soundslike it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, whichslid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match myshirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I'vedecided to stop breathing, it's too painful Screw it; I'm not gettingany oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just such it in through the4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too boldbut spicy enough to declare its' existence.

Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild norhot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passedout, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sureif he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted toreally hot chili?

Judge #3 -- No Report