You guys have to read this in its entirety. If you can read this wholestory without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by theend.Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the firsttwo judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those ofyou who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actuallyhave a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes upa major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3was an inexperienced Chili taster named Matt, who was visiting fromSpringfield, IL.

Matt: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilicook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and Ihappened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directionsto the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by theother two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all thatspicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during thetasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Matt) -- OH ****, what the heck is this stuff? You couldremove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put theflames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge #1 -- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be takenseriously.

Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure whatI'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people whowanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beerwhen they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.

Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great! kick.

Judge #2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feelslike I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Getme more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now mybackbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced fromall of the beer.

CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish orother mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unableto taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman isstarting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Ischili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, addingconsiderable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admitthe cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and Ican no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me neededparamedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that herchili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding bypouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning mylips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stopscreaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...!

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance ofspices and peppers.

Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers! , onions andgarlic. Superb.

Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. I ??? on myself when I farted and I'm worried it willeat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me exceptthat Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with asnow cone.

CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worriedabout Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursinguncontrollably.

Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world soundslike it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, whichslid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match myshirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I'vedecided to stop breathing, it's too painful Screw it; I'm not gettingany oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just such it in through the4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too boldbut spicy enough to declare its' existence.

Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild norhot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passedout, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sureif he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted toreally hot chili?

Judge #3 -- No Report

5-10-08

I had one hell of a hunt this am...came up short but WOW!!!

I belly crawled thru mud and poison ivy so i could get a good look at the ole' boy. He was about 100 yards and was hen'ed up but oh boy was he putting on a show and really wishing he could come my direction but wasn't getting far from his girl! It was awesome, I had a creek in between me and him and I wouldn't have given a second thought to crawling thru that dang creek.

I only thought I hated those birds till I heard him. I worked that Tom for bout 30 minutes while the hen fed around....he was gobblin hard....best gobblin I have heard in WEEKS!!! The hen had no interest at all in competing or keeping him around so of course as she left and wandered out of the field was right on her dam heels.

He was by far the best bird I have seen yet!!!

Going again in the am....

I read this and thought some of you may find it entertaining....lol

Roping A Deer...

(Names have been removed to protect the stupid!)This is an actual letter from someone who farms (and writes).

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet a way), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can 't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on y ou whi le you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

Whats the best part of Deer101 for you? 

1) Is it the goal the number of friends and how high your points get?

2) To read journals and re-live some memories of your own?

3) Drooling over the latest and greatest gadget.....unsure if it is a gadget designed to work for the prey or the HUNTER...Hopefully someone amongst the vast resource of members has spent the money to learn for you.

4) To view pictures of the biggest and best looking racks from the fall harvest?

5) The feeling you get when you open your email and see a Deer101 alert. All warm and mushy knowing that someone out there is hoping you made it to the vertical position again today!

6) My personal favorite....all of the above.....thanks to those that I call friends and everyone else that is enjoying this place. Glad all of you are vertical today! Happy Hump Day!!!!